How To Not Be Not Fine
I was quite happy like I used to be sometimes. With no overthinking and sometimes even emotional breakdown staring at the ceiling of my darkroom before falling asleep. Feeling happy and relieved, trying to motivate myself to move on and smile, be happy for the moment, be happy for everything, and no heavy heart.
But then suddenly something happened and made me realize, the feeling I was getting is wrong. Suddenly something happened that the happiness and relief in my heart began fading away.
I started having a heavy heart and a facial expression to cover up my true feelings again. I sometimes try to inspire and cheer myself up. Sometimes it would work and help me while the rest of the time it would be like… like pouring a glass of water in an ocean, nothing, nothing really happens or matters right?!
I try to ease myself by saying “This happens all the time.” but I can’t think of the light at all. How can I or anybody in the same state as me think of a possible solution at this time? How can you ease yourself down when you feel everything is getting messed up, well at least not messed up for others but for yourself? How? How can you fix yourself mentally while you are in this state? “Share it with others and it will help you,” they say as if it’s uncomplicated. With a hollow inside I go through something that makes me realize I am not the only one feeling this…..social media where we fake attachments and even fake ourselves. I see a lot of people sharing their happy moments as well as sad ones. I try to think of their stories behind all the posts. They must also feel like this as they are human too, don’t they? I know I am not alone in this state when I lie in my bed. I vision of people, I think of people, being happy that they got married, sad that they got divorced, happy that they got a new job, sad that they are jobless, happy that finally, everyone is in a good line, sad that their relationships getting messed up, and a lot of happy, sad and other feelings people feel.
But now, come to think of it. Doesn’t this happen all the time, as usual? You are happy then something again makes you sad then again you revive yourself and the cycle goes on and on and on.
The feeling “Everything is finally alright. I am relieved.”, I used to think of it as a “WRONG OR NOT GOOD FEELING” and I still do think the same. Cause whenever that feeling comes I remind myself that it will eventually get messed again any time soon. We are so used to searching for negative things and tensions that even if we have happiness right in front of us, we forget to enjoy the moment, we forget about the person near us.
We are tangled in the threads of our brains. We forget that we have someone to unravel the strings of our disappointments and sorrows of our hearts and mind. It’s not that we forget but we don’t find the right person at the right time even if we find, we find it hard to recognize them. Let’s say that we have founded and recognized them too. Now, at this point, we don’t spill everything building inside us. Now, at this point, we remember to enjoy the moment and we value the person near us. I don’t want to specifically say that the “someone” I am talking about needs to be another person, let it be you too, let that CERTAIN SOMEONE be you. Enjoy the moment with yourself!!
There are days, I don’t even feel like being happy about things getting messed up or putting a label in “things” that were once a “PROBLEM” getting solved, cause again it’s not solved, it’s just calm before the storm. What’s there to be happy about something like that right?!
So let’s talk about the actual difficulty, yeah we name the issue “problem”. The things we address or label as “PROBLEMS” are not much of a big deal. Problems aren’t big or small but how we react and think about them makes them big or small. I think problems are part of life.
Now, it may sound too much for a fourteen-year-old but it’s a fact. Problems were there in the stone age and we still have got in the 21st century too. Problems aren’t going anywhere; it will still occur in the future as well. But along with “working to solve the problem” keeping it cool and calm may help to erase the label “PROBLEM” in such a situation. Now it’s not a “problem” anymore, it’s just a tough moment where you have to do like you did the other days “Breathe and keep it cool”. Let’s again say that we do keep it cool and still feel a little burden inside us. Now, what is lacking or what is stopping us? It’s easy, something called insecurity about ourselves, is caging our freedom. You hear little voices like “will you even be able to do it?”, “ Are you positive about not caring about other people?” and many more. These are the voices of insecurity. At the moment, you don’t keep the insecurity inside you. You ignore it as if there weren’t any. You may feel like how do you drop and ignore your insecurities like a piece of cake? Remember you are breathing and you are keeping it cool, what you just have to add is a little version of “certain someone” mentioned before.
Even while writing this, no matter what the situation is I try to be calm and make it cool. “Look at the person in the mirror, isn’t she pretty?” I say and laugh within myself. As it happens, the little voice in my head says ”Aren’t you being a narcissist?”. “Oh that’s not what I call narcissism, it’s called it being comfortable with yourself,” I say.